How to argue well
As I spoke about in my previous blog post, conflict with a partner is not only inevitable but it's actually often healthy and constructive. When done right that is...
The key is not to not have arguments but to argue well.
Huh… you may be thinking, that's an oxymoron if I ever heard one!
Let me demystify it for you into three simple overarching principles that I find handy to remember...
Talk to your partner like you were talking to a close friend
It's a cruel irony that we often treat the people we're closest with, the poorest. When we're upset, we can lean into that safe space guns blazing and sometimes forget everything we've ever learnt about how to interact with another human being. We accuse, we manipulatively test, we project our bad day onto them... we do all the things that we would be horrified to do to a friend, to our partner on a daily basis.
I'm not saying don't be vulnerable. By all means, this should be the place you can be at your most vulnerable. But do it in a respectful way that's not going to cause little cracks in your foundation.
This might look like:
Using a soft start up – rather than coming in hot with a criticism, soften the message you're about to deliver with a gesture of love or understanding of some kind. For example, “I know you didn't mean to hurt me but...” or “I can absolutely do this sometimes too but it doesn't feel good when...”.
As much as possible, using “I” language to express your feelings and experiences. It's harder to get defensive about another person's subjective experience of something.
Keeping it about the issue at hand. Avoid “you always” or “you never” mode. Provide an example for your partner of what's bothering you. Not in a malicious way but with the intent to share useful information about your experience that they can practically understand.
Holding off on the character assassinations. No one wants to hear: “I know you're insecure but...” or “It might be because of your anger issues that you....”. This is probably the quickest road to escalation or being met with a big old stonewall. If you feel the urge to go here, a better option may be to think about a specific behaviour you've observed that's making you want to pull out that label and talk about that instead.
Have a conversation, not a debate
In a debate you have your position and you go in with your arguments prepared, ready to convince the other person that you are right. Your perspective is fixed. You listen to their side of the story with a rebuttal lens on, waiting to pick it apart when it's your turn to speak again.
In fact, you're not really even listening when they speak because you're using this time to prepare what you'll say next. It might get you an “A” in English but from a relationship perspective, there's not a lot to be gained from this kind of exchange.
In a conversation, there's a two way exchange of information. There's curiosity about the other person's experience and where they're coming from. People have the opportunity to ask questions to clarify their understanding. You may start out with a position but you're open to new suggestions that might also satisfy whatever needs are sitting behind this.
Basically, stay open and leave the pre-prepared palm cards at home.
Repair when you need to
This is probably the most important one of all.
Let's face it, no matter how good our intentions and how self-aware we consider ourselves to be, points one and two above don't always go to plan.
We are not robots. Sometimes we get upset and flooded by emotions and adrenaline and we say things our rational brain later realises was out of line. Or cruel. Or really about our own stuff rather than anything they may have done.
A repair attempt is anything to try and get you back on track as the team you are before the negativity escalates further. Maybe it's a little squeeze on the shoulder as you walk by later, maybe it's saying sorry if you need to, maybe it's offering to make them a cup of tea or another small gesture to show you care.
I honestly believe the ability to reach out and repair early after a conflict arises is as important as the words exchanged in the moment. A concept I personally find highly relieving being the imperfect human being that I am.
Keep it respectful, stay open and extend the olive branch as soon as you feel able to. If you do these three things, disagreements or arguments become part of how you interact but lose their power to drive a wedge between you.
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