Is it normal to feel disconnected from your partner sometimes in a healthy relationship?

I'm going to go ahead and say – of course it is.

Experiencing temporary disconnect is very normal even in the healthiest of relationships. It's certainly not a relationship death sentence or something to start overanalysing at 1am in the morning.

More than often, feeling disconnected from your partner is a product of the focus of one or both of you being elsewhere due to a big life transition or another demanding event or factor in your life. The obvious ones being children's needs, work or individual projects and our own personal struggles.

Think... a big work project that's stressing you out and requiring a lot of your attention to feel on top of, a period of time where the baby decides sleep isn't for him or maybe you're occupied by a conflict happening in your extended family or another area of your life. After all we're only humans with a limited amount of attention to invest in non-urgent, non-life sustaining activities such as eating, sleeping and looking at dog memes.

Often you'll find disconnection in a relationship is a consequence of one of these external life stressors or events, rather than arising independently as a result of an inherent problem in your relationship foundation. It can manifest in one or both people feeling unheard, not spending enough quality time together or not speaking each other's language where you find yourselves struggling to have your communication land how you intended it to.

When we step back and realise we've got to this point, this is a moment of opportunity. An opportunity to have an open, real conversation with each other about what's been happening to get you to this point, how you're both feeling now and where you want to take it from here.

In fact, it's often in these moments of vulnerability and disclosure when things aren't necessarily going peachy, that you feel a new level of closeness and intimacy with each other.

It's best to find a time to open up the topic when you're both not too stressed or preoccupied and if you're the one initiating it, begin the conversation by sharing what your experience of the relationship has been lately and how it's made you feel rather than focusing on your partner's behaviour per se. The latter could be perceived as an attack and set the scene for a defensive interaction that won't get you much past surface level.

If your partner has initiated the conversation, try to remain curious and see this as an opportunity to learn some new information that might shift the dynamic (a dynamic I'm guessing you aren't enjoying either!). See the conversation as a good thing, after all it means your partner cares enough about you and the relationship to talk about it. It's not an assault on you as a person or a threat to the success of your relationship, quite the opposite!

If you find yourself frequently feeling disconnected to your partner, it may be time to have a more in depth discussion about some bigger adjustments that may need to happen in your life or relationship. The next step is the same really, making time and space to have a real conversation about where to from here.

Sound intimidating? Or hard to do in the course of day to day life without falling into the same communication traps you tend to fall into?

Read more about how you can have these conversations with the support of couples coaching generally or Coaching for Life’s Seasons.

In the meantime, download a free copy of 10 minute connection rituals for busy couples.