How to repair like a pro after a fight with your partner

OK so you've had a fight with your partner.

Not to make you feel un-special here, but disagreements with our partners when we're in long term meaningful relationships, are a bit of a given…

What is less common are couples who can repair like pros.

For these couples, an argument is not a catastrophe. They can find their way back to each other quickly and respectfully, preserving more relationship goodwill than couples who struggle with making peace after a storm.

So what are these pros doing that makes them different?

Here are their secrets:

They repair quickly

When I say quickly, I don't mean you need to jump into a repair attempt when you're still guns blazing. It's unlikely to be genuine if you're still flooded by strong emotions. It's 100% OK to gently leave the conversation if you need a break and can't see how you can go on constructively at that point. According to The Gottman Institute, it takes approximately 20 minutes for the effects of emotional flooding to leave your body so you can return to your partner calmly. So take the time you need.

This said, it's best not to leave the issue unresolved and stewing around in your heads individually for too long. Too much time to ponder on the motives of the other person and arrive at all sorts of assumptions on your own is usually not helpful when fixing things with your partner!

If you can come back to your partner calmly within 24 hours after the argument, you’re both likely to enter the conversation on better footing than if you haven’t spoken for a few days. By then the distance between you is starting to grow, assumptions you may have made are gaining fuel and reuniting starts to feel like a bigger thing than it needs to.

However, do tune into each other's conflict styles here. If one of you needs a bit more time to process a fight before they can pick it up again, then don't push the point until they're ready again. This may take a couple of days but you're likely to get a much better conversation out of them when they're ready rather than feeling pressured to rejoin the table.

Validate

Contrary to popular belief, you can validate someone's perspective or feelings without it meaning “you're right and I was wrong”. Validating just means you're acknowledging what the other person is experiencing. It can look like “I see why that upset you” or “That would have been hard for you” or “I can see why you reacted that way”.

What you are doing is acknowledging that your partner's reality is true and real for them. By validating your partner, you're communicating that you understand this rather than inadvertently casting doubt on the legitimacy of their experience. After all, there are two very real and legitimate experiences of each conflict - one is yours and one is your partners and both are based on the current facts understood, beliefs held and life experiences had by each of you.

Own your part

Take responsibility for your role in the conflict. There is no quicker way to defuse a conflict than by taking some ownership for how you have contributed to or escalated the conflict. It's very hard for someone to continue to aggressively push a point when the other person has taking responsibility. It's a real dynamic shifter.

There is an almost instant two way visceral response. It acts as a circuit breaker for whoever is on the defensive or offensive in that moment, and authentically opens up the mindset of whoever has owned even a small part of their part in the conflict.

Tip: Be careful not to fall into the trap of apologising with an excuse tagged on - “I'm sorry I reacted so aggressively but you always approach me at the wrong time”. There are not a lot of ways the rest of this conversation is going to go other than straight to your partner defending themselves, rendering your repair attempt acting as an escalation. And there you are returning to the conflict - Do not pass go, do not collect $200.

Look to the future

Talk about how to prevent the same conflict from happening again or if it's an issue that's not likely to go away, talk about how you could approach it to make the process of disagreement feel different next time.

While there is merit in analysing what happened to cause or escalate the conflict, don't get stuck here. It's much more productive to put the focus on what you would like to happen in the future rather than what you didn't like about everything that just played out.

We're not mind readers. The more you can paint the picture for your partner about what you need next time, the more likely they'll be able to meet your expectations. Crazy right!?

Did you find what you've just read helpful? You can subscribe to hear more from me here.

You can also read more about how I can support you with the above process through couples coaching generally or Coaching for Life’s Seasons.