Working towards your relationship goals in 2023

January is a time when people are typically focused on setting goals and creating positive change in many areas of their life. With that in mind, it feels like a good time to share some helpful steps you can use to set up some systems that will support you to work towards creating the relationship experience or dynamic you would like in 2023.

Firstly, get clear on your goals.

If you’re looking for somewhere to start, you can download my End of Year Reflection Guide to help you to reflect on the year that was and start thinking creatively about what you want your relationship to feel like in 2023.

When it comes to relationships, you may find your goals look a bit “fluffy” or intangible. They might be around experiencing more of a certain feeling or a dynamic between you which can feel unclear and impossible to measure. For example you may set a goal of wanting to connect on a deeper level, experience more joy or laughter together or to feel more in love. These all sound great but it's pretty hard to know where to go from here right?

That brings us to the second step...

Use these goals to create a system

From here you can look at breaking these ambiguous goals down into more tangible actions which you can incorporate into your day to day life. I guess you could look at this as creating a system with which you can consistently work towards your goals.

Goals are great for planning your progress, providing direction and propelling you forward in the short-term. A system will support you to actually make that progress and keep you moving in the right direction even once you've lost initial momentum. They help you build habits around every day actions that create the change.

Here are four questions you can ask yourself to help articulate some tangible actions that will help you to take steps towards creating your system.

1. What do you need to STOP doing?

Is it a type of behaviour? A way of communicating?

For example, do you need to stop using certain language with each other? Or stop engaging in a particular dialogue with a friendship group that makes you feel negatively about your partner?

2. What do you need to START doing?

Is there something you've been meaning to start doing but haven't yet for any reason?

For example, do you need to start investing in a babysitter or asking for help from family so you can go on a fortnightly date night? Or to start sharing appreciation for your partner aloud with them?

3. What do you need to do LESS of?

Are there certain relationship pressures that although difficult to eliminate completely, you could try and reduce?

For example, do you need to say “yes” less to work commitments that will take up evenings so you can have dinner together X number of times a week? Or to try to keep less of a mental tally around who has done what when it comes to everyday parenting? (With this last example, there might be some constructive benefits to this so you know who needs a break however if you find yourself doing it excessively or competitively it’s a good example of a behaviour you could cut back on.)

4. What do you need to do MORE of?

Are there some things you do occasionally which seem to create positive momentum in your relationship? Take some time to notice these and think of how you can make sure you build more of these into your weekly or monthly routine.

For example, does it feel good to take time to share your feelings with each other closely following an upsetting event? Do you find your more emotionally connected when you make time for more physical intimacy?

Tip: If you're struggling to identify things you need to stop doing or do less of, it could be helpful to keep a daily log for a week (for those daily habits) or a weekly log over a month (to identify more logistical or structural barriers that may be standing in the way of you reaching your goal).

Once you have some overarching actions from the above process, get clear on HOW you're going to do these.

If one of your actions is to start sharing appreciation for your partner with them, how will you actually do this? Are you going to schedule in 15 minutes at the end of the week to reflect on the week and do this with them? Or are you going to commit to trying to do this in real time? Brainstorm what this actually looks like together and then map these commitments into your weekly or monthly schedule.

Of course, it's probably unlikely you'll stick to the plan every week but at least you've got something to strive towards that you've both created together. The idea is not to beat yourself or your partner up about any missed appointments or failure to take certain actions but to keep these front of mind and take little steps in the right direction.

You can read more about how I can support you with the above process through couples coaching generally or Coaching for Life’s Seasons.